Theocratic Bloopers

My favorite is from the time we were considering the WT article on "Masculinity and Femininity." One paragraph remarked: "Besides the anatomical differences between men and women, there are emotional differences." Our conductor asked an auxiliary question to bring out a point in the paragraph that was not covered by the main question: He asked: "What are the anatomical differences between men and women?"

After a minute of embarrassed stares by the audience, he was rescued by a feisty older sister who raised her hand and replied: "Men can't have children, whereas women are normal."

Announcement Bloopers:

Service Meeting Part: "Makes us ask brothers...would we get up the next morning - after being stoned, as Paul was - and go out witnessing?"

Theocratic School Talk (by a Greek brother): "When Jesus asked Peter - 'do you love me more than these?' - he was asking if he loved Jesus more than the fish that Peter was courting (catching)"

Service Meeting: "Some people's circumstances may have changed - next time we call upon them, they may have died"

Ministry School: "The Second Ministry School may leave now - and any who wish to partake of the audience"

In Prayer:

"May your blessing be upon the brothers and sisters who have various parts."

"As we look around the Hall tonight - we see many who are not here"

Miscellaneous Bloopers:

Service Meeting: "Overseers must be irresistible..."

Pioneer School: "After making our introduction and establishing eye to eye contact, then we can transgress (progress) to the main point..."

Service Meeting: "Just imagine if you were in the desert and dying of thirst. Why you'd give anything for something to eat..."

Service Meeting: "There is a need to watch our children at the meetings. Sometimes our kids are going to the toilet in a constant stream."

Ministry School: "we can achieve emphasis by loud and soft pausing..."

A good friend had a talk on the Theocratic School, and had (for a very logical reason, which I cannot recall at present) developed the setting dependent upon her using the King James version of the Bible to answer the householder's question. Only, when she got to the hall on the night of her talk, she realized that she had inadvertently left her copy of the King James Version at home. She and her sister quickly searched the Kingdom Hall's library for a copy of the King James, in vain. My friend's sister offered to run home they lived about ten minutes or so from the hall) and fetch my friend's King James Bible for her, and hopefully deliver it to her in time for her. The sister left, and my friend nervously waited for her return. Time went by, the clock was ticking, and still my friend's sister did not appear.  At last the time came for my friend's talk, and so she had to go up on the platform to give her talk without her King James, and depend on "winging" it, quoting from it from memory as best she could. The talk was progressing without incident. In a very natural way, my friend had just apologized to the householder and mentioned that she had intended to bring her King James version with her, but had inadvertently left it at home.  But then, just as my friend was about to quote her first scripture from the King James from memory, her sister burst in the back of the hall, spotted her poor sister on the platform without her Bible, raced down the aisle, but instead of walking up onto the platform to hand it to her, she stopped short of actually ascending the platform steps, stood in front of the platform and tossed the Bible into my startled friend's lap. According to my friend, she sat there for a moment, unsure of exactly what to say, then just looked down at her lap and said lamely, "Oh. There's my Bible now!"

More about songs. Songs can be interesting ... I visited a congregation recently, and the WT conductor got up to introduce the study. He announced song 62 which we duly sang. Having sung the song and sat down, he then apologized. We had just sung the meeting attendance, the song number should have been something completely different.

My congregation once had to sing a song at the Sunday meeting that we were all unfamiliar with and as you can imagine we were all barely audible, mumbling, and fading out altogether on some parts. Our Watchtower conductor, who has a sense of humor, approached the podium afterward and very seriously announced that we were going to say a prayer to Jehovah and ask his forgiveness for the way that we mangled that song. We were so bad that it took us a moment to realize that he was joking. We had a good laugh from that one!

When in Canada some years back I asked some of the friends what was their most interesting call - They responded by a story of a brother and sister (not related) who at a door started by saying "We're engaged..." the householder said "That's nice," and closed the door.

"WHAT MAKES YOU SAY I WAS OUT DRINKING!!!"

A man been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

by: DianaR2449@aol.com via ToniBass@webtv.net

THE KING JAMES VERSION

Often people say the funniest things at the doors by way of trying to reject us. In particular, one
woman told us that the King James Version was the only correct version, saying:

"If it was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for ME!"

Micah Emler, Waverly, Ohio, USA
sir_galahad77@juno.com

CHOCOLATES, MONKEYS, DNA & CLONING!

Scientists say they're trying to clone Rhesus monkeys in an effort to provide a genetically identical supply of animals for research.
"The clones would be reproduced from tiny bits of the existing monkeys' DNA, also known as Rhesus pieces"!!

John Ervin USA 5/99
jeervin@twlakes.net

The J.W. Parrot!

A man went to a pet shop and purchased a parrot. Apparently, the parrot belonged to a Jehovah's Witness because it kept repeating, "Read the WATCHTOWER. Read the AWAKE. Read the Bible daily. SQUAWK. Jehovah is God."

Well, the new owner of the bird tried to keep long-playing recordings on all day, everyday, to help the parrot learn new words. Months went by and nothing happened. The parrot continued to "preach" to him with no changes in his vocabulary.

One day the owner became frustrated and infuriated and THREW the parrot across the room and it smashed against the wall and slid down to the floor. The parrot started squawking, "No blood! No Blood! No Blood!"